By: Amelia Indriana

Dear Mommy,

It’s crazy to think that it’s been four years since I’ve seen your face. I remember a month after you died, I cried for hours and hours thinking to myself “this is the longest time I’ve gone without seeing you”. It’s been four years now and I sit here thinking about how much time has passed.

I always dream about what it would be like if you saw me now. Maybe you would kill me because I’ve chopped all my hair off and dyed it blonde. Or maybe you would congratulate me because I’ve learned to like keeping my room somewhat clean now. So much time has passed, and so much has changed but I know that you’ve watched me grow from up above.

2014 was exceptionally hard for me. Senior pictures, prom, graduation, and all of these events happened that year. These were all events which I knew you would have gone over the top with. I probably would have acted like it was so embarrassing when deep down I was actually loving it.

I purchased my own senior pictures to keep because I knew dad wouldn’t have done it. Nothing wrong with him not doing so. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even want it… I ordered them because I knew that if you were still here, you would have ordered 1,000 prints to hand out like flyers, because that’s just what moms do. I bought the most beautiful gown for prom, which I knew you would have adored… if I hid the price tag, of course. I spent hours on my makeup, hired a photographer, and spent hundreds of dollars on that one night mostly because I knew you would have done it for me anyway. And on the night before graduation day, you probably would have told me to go to sleep at 7 pm so that I wouldn’t have bags under my eyes for the big day. You probably would have showed up with dad & Zik, and made Zik carry a 10 pound bouquet of flowers with a “Happy Birthday” and “Congratulations” balloon since graduation was on my birthday. After the ceremony, we’d all meet at that one park we always had parties at, where all of our friends and family would be. There would be a buffet of the best Indonesian food that you make, and a table dedicated to desserts because you know how much I love sweets.

Of course none of that happened, because instead… after the ceremony, Caleb and Pearl drove me to your grave where I sat in my gown, drenched in sweat, thinking about how this isn’t how it was supposed to be. I thought about what I ever did to lose you. What I ever did wrong to have this outcome. I had 16 amazing years with you, but why did our time have to be cut off so early. It’s hard to not have someone, who’s supposed to be there for EVERY milestone in your life, miss one of your major milestones. I constantly felt alone.

At graduation, as I waited for my name to be called, I wondered how it was going to feel on my wedding day if my high school graduation felt this painful. I tried to stay positive so I managed to push you out of my mind. Then right before we were officially graduates, you sent me a sign. A sign which you knew I would recognize and appreciate. A butterfly landed on a student two seats to the right of me. A butterfly… The symbol I had chosen to represent you the minute I found out you were gone. It sent a shiver up and down my spine and my eyes filled with tears.

It was then when I realized… you’re always there. Maybe not physically, but you’re there. You were there for my graduation. I’m sure you’ll be there when I say “I do”. You’ll be there to witness my first born’s first breaths. And I know you’ll be right next to our Heavenly Father when it’s my time to join you. You’ll always be there. All this time I thought I was doing everything alone, and I was wrong. You haven’t missed any major milestone. You’ve been there for each and every one… You just have a better view.

As I get older and as you continue to watch me grow, there’s one thing I want you to always know… I would like nothing more than to grow up to be at least half the woman that you were. I love you and miss you forever, mom. Thank you for always being here with me. Cheers to you!

Love,

Your baby girl

RIP Rosie Yuwono

5.8.2012